Chapter 6 Relationships

This Chapter is timely.

I had my oldest son e-mail me yesterday afternoon to tell me his room mate is moving back in with his mother at the end of November and this means he is going to have to leave NYC. As far as I know other than playing poker on line, which seems to support him, he has no jobs on the horizon so he is counting on moving back home. All I had was the e-mail and no chance to talk. He hasn't been available by phone.

"The big picture in your head of what your son should be doing is different from what he in fact is doing." (page 151) comes to mind this week.

The phrases I have heard from his mouth to me in the past can be found on page 153 - "you're wrong, That is stupid."

Clearly I have not been getting what I want. I had chalked it up to his age and frustration and immaturity in not getting what he wanted, and in some cases, he was right - what I had not been doing was dumb. i know he is actually wanting better for me.

Having to evaluate if a move back home is going to work in a way I (we) need it to work is what I have been thinking about. If he were to move home, what I want is something different than the last time this happened. I want a participatory family member who is happy, who is thriving, who helps out around the house without prompting, cleans up after himself, who is a contributor toward the good of the whole family as in doing chores, preparing and/or attending family meals, buying food, being with us and who shares his life with the rest of us.

Before he moved out, I had a sullen, withdrawn hermit who stayed up in his room, didn't see and couldn't find that we have things in common, and when he did speak it was to criticize. He didn't pick up after himself, he didn't share his life and he was not happy and thriving. None of us were happy with the arrangement.

My picture includes children who are responsible, give back to society, who get an education or who hold down a job that supports themselves.

We had a discussion tonight where I actually asked him what his "picture" looked like if he moved home. I was pleased that I used the word picture from our book. It is a great tool. I shared with him what my "picture" looks like and we managed to cover some of these topics. We've agreed that he will be a participatory family member and that he will be helping around the house. He thought that was a reasonable request.

Every time I have asked what he wants to do with his life, I hear, "I don't know." As we tackled the job issue he said he has some irons in the fire but didn't want to or couldn't be specific at this time. I told him I needed some specifics and he said he would consider them some more and e-mail them to me. I explained that his father and I could be his eyes and ears in looking for whatever his picture was (job?) until he got home in order to give him some leads

This brought up the fact that he is still holding out on trying to stay in NY, so essentially, we are the backup plan.

As a parent, I am there when my children need me but as an individual, up until this point, I have allowed his immaturity to go further than I would with anyone else because I see the gem beneath and because I know we all get in ruts and because I love him. My problem is in knowing when his need of a place to stay to regroup becomes "lets use Mom and Dad", and in his knowing when his frustration with life's circumstances can be foisted upon his family or not.It is in knowing how love is best shared and felt in these circumstances.

So my "problem" person is my oldest son. (I miss him like crazy. More recently, he - his essence - has been so far away that I can't seem to connect; even in the same room sometimes) Maybe I am only missing the him I see or want and not the real him. Maybe I don't want to see the him he has become.

I want his respect and consideration but I am not going to sell my soul for it.

So, we now have a starting point to build from and more of what each of us want in our pictures.

II
CHANGING YOURSELF IS HARD WORK. CHANGING ANOTHER PERSON IS IMPOSSIBLE.
In the fill in the blank I would write, "If only he would go to school or get a paying job (ideally with health and dental insurance), THEN I would be happier. Our conversation moved us forward on a couple of my points - like health insurance. He agreed he would apply for the state insurance program when he got home. I know it will make me happier to know he has health insurance and he is starting to believe that too. Two different pictures no longer.

We are making progress.

Part III
MAKE SOMEONE'S DAY
This week I have been noticing what people wear. Today, passing a stranger I remarked on the beautiful blue blouse she wore, and told her it brought out her eyes. She was a bit shocked but I could see her step got a bit more peppy as she walked away.

My son did the dishes without me having to say anything. I bragged about him to my husband within his hearing range and I could see him smile.

Today was bosses day. I got a rose made of chocolate and had my boss give it to his (our) boss. He was thrilled to be able to do it and she was thrilled that she received it.